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TIFU by opening to the wrong friends
I was friend with a nice group of people, including BFF (my best friend), BF (my boyfriend), NK (nice kid the youngest of us all), NF (Nice Friend), WF (weird friend) and TF (Tough friend), and also Me OP.
First, a little backstory for context.
I was friend with BFF since 2014. When I met her, she was running a role play community, a pretty edgy one. I tend to not enjoy edginess and all, but BF wanted to play on it with me so i followed. Said community was full of FU people, mostly teenagers who were rude, all over nasty stuff, and it made me very unconfortable. Some of the staff were nice, but the community was never satisfied with their work and harassed them day AND NIGHT for mounths because of stupid stuff. I used to run one of the biggest french role play community years ago, and was schocked and sadden to see how they were treated... And I couldn't possibly play in thoses condition since... the quality was lacking to be honnest.
This is where i do my first mistake. I tried to help. I managed to help the staff in many ways, getting out of my ways to fight the members and bring back a bit of peace and order. Sure it wasn't enough, but still. As i did, i became friend with BFF. We used to draw together and tchat a lot, supporting eachother. She was a psychology student and was really smart and all. I was impressed and soon started to open to her. She stopped me, telling me she didn't want friendship or love in her life for reasons. That it wasn't against me but she won't consider me as a friend. I was a little confused but i told myself "heh, whaterver, we'll see how it will goes, i respect that". I am not the kind to force it on people and wasn't after friendship with her either in particular. I was just enjoying the present.
By helping out, i started to become a new target for the haters. I was on front, while the staff could breath a bit and rest. One day, they considered it was too much for them and gave up their admin status to me and other trusted members. We didn't ask for nothing, but grew to love this place and waited to try to save it.
This is my second mistake. I tried to change the community management to something more strict and adequate. Something I knew was working elsewhere! It attracted better players than before, but the old ones, the haters, were pissed! The hate grew and grew, personnal attacks, sabotage, and harrassement fell on us... I used to make friends with my co-staffs, and we tried to stay strong and to not give up. BFF, even if she wasn't staff anymore, tried to help with guidance, but we disagreed over a lot of things. It couldn't work if we were constantly repeating the same mistakes as before. I tried to tell her if the same things happened, it was because something didn't work back then, and it had to change so things could get better, implying the responsability and lack of rigor of the previous staff. She stormed off, not accepting that and broke all contact with me. It was painfull... Because i ended up considering her as a friend back then and, realising i couldn't even tell her truth she needed to hear to help was just sad. It was very violent too... I got depressed for weeks after that because we were very close, despite what we agreed to. In the end, mounths later, this community was too toxic for us and we realised we shouldn't have try to change it. It was no use... The people here were entitled and didn't want something better. They wanted their crappy land to do crappy stuff and if we wanted something better, we needed to move on and create something of our own from the ground. So... We left... And BFF litterally pissed on us with all her haters, laughing at us in full glory... Haters and BFF reunited against one enemy... Me... I won't quote what was said, but it was very nasty and i never forgot how she dragged me down with the people she sent me to fight for her.
I was brocken, betrayed and humiliated... It took me a lot of courage to give up on all the work i did... To admit i couldn't make this community better. I continued to hang out with my ex team as friends for mounths, util everybody separated. I didn't role play for almost a year and got borred and nostalgic over the rp community i left. But there was no way i would return there. BFF had given the community to the groupe of haters she used to despise (which was insulting) and tried to play the guidance with them once again. I knew because some members used to ask me to return because the community was awfull for part of them. But i always disagreed.
BUT, since i wanted to play and no community was meeting my standards, i started a new community on my own. My hopes weren't really high. If i had 10 to 20 members i'd be happy enough.... I ended up with over 50 membres in the first weeks... I wasn't ready for this amount or success! Yet i was proud, it felt good to know it wasn't my job on creating stuff who was the problem.
BFF even came back to apoligize and missed to talk with me somehow. I was pretty akward and cautious... i didn't forgot how i was treated back then. I told her i apoligized for my own attitude and accepted her excuse HOWEVER (and this is very important) even if i forgive her i wouldn't forget what happened. Juste so i could protect myself from future BS. After all my trust got shamashed... She agreed and didn't really said something about it. I oferred her to join the new community, and she accepted. Apparently, she had fled the toxic one because the haters wouldn't listened to her, accusing her to not let them do as they please... To be a control freak. (oh my, how surprising)
Gentle as i am, i try to be supportive. Later, she found out they stole her account and the creator ones and planned on using their characters aswell. As a character is the intelectual propriety of its creator, i wasn't ok with that. I joined the members who told them it was wrong to protect her once again, and, by doing that, became the priority target for them to harass. The creator of their community managed to get her account back and closed the site for good. She even apologized to me. Yet... The haters started to harass me through my new community. BFF and I joined forces with NF who recently joined and BF to push them away util they finally stopped! It took YEARS!
As the years passed, i finally got more confortable with BFF again, trusting her enough to open myself to her again. And this is my third mistake... I have a pretty dark past as a child and , as an adult, I am sadly prone to regular and violent anger reactions when I react to too much frustration or injustice. I am the victim of my emotions. I have many traumas that have prevented me from developing my trust in others and in myself. Insecurities due to very bad experiences lived where I was abused by my family, exs and friends. I will not go into details, but it concerns very serious things having left deep marks in my mind and body.
This is where my 4th mistakes comes. I was naïve enough to accept guidance to help me overcome all of this since, apparently, it was something i needed to fix to get along with her. She had already blame me for it and i truely didn't want to lose any more friends over this problem. Each time i got mad, she would blame me for it and lecture me quite hard... I started to get less and less angry with her help and the help of my new team of friends... Yet i started also to develop a new insecurity. The more aware i was of my madness, the guiltier i grew and i was honnestly afraid of myself.
Times to times, we argued, BFF and I, over small things. I'm far from perfect. I'm daydreaming, forget stuff easily, and not really aware of my surrounding. I'm a hard worker and love my peacefull solitude. I had a very physical job and gor tired all the time! So i hadn't the reflex to check on her as much as she would love me to... I understood she could feel neglected when she complained about it to me. I apologized and said i could tried to do better but wouldn't make promesses i can't take. It was the first time i had such a demanding friend, it was new to me! I offered her to join our skype/discord group so we couldn't stay in touch with everyone everyday.
As time pass, i use to still accept her guidance, and to ask her for help when a problem involving a drama occurs, since she seems better at it than me. At this point i totally relied on her. My self estime and my confidence in my ability to deal with dramas was nul. She knew better than me in my head and i was to scared to FU to handle the situation... I didn't want to risk another anger reaction from me, and didn't want to hurt my friends or anyone... Didn't want to be blamed for it either. And i didn't want to lose them because of my bad temper. I was sincerly thankful for all her help tho... Yet... i can't say i was happy or at ease either. And the more time passes, the more akward it became. She even started to complain that i relied on her too much and i agreed. She wasn't my psy, she was my friend! So i took my distances and didn't dare to ask her stuff (even for design, i was afraid to ask for help, because i didn't want her to get mad and blame me).
As the community grew, NK and TF joined the team! We soon developped friendship over it! NK reminded me of a young friend i had once. He was nice, brave and very curious! I loved sharing stuff with him, theories, games, showing him stuff he didn't know. TF was my age and he was as much of bear than i do. We understands eachother on our rude ways and it feels good to know someone knows exactly why you react the way you do, because stuff happened. He knows to see the difference between attitude and the rest. NF was here from the begining and is really gentle, loyal and patient. Basically, he's a carebear and get along with everyone, staying out of dramas with amazing skills! And WF was a talented friend who used to really try his best to get along. I loved them a lot. And they also helped me to overcome my anger reactions. I started to understand more and more what triggered it and how to avoid that. How to communicate a bit better to not hurt people, and i kept making progress.
Yet everybody got tired of managing the now 300 ~ members community... So BF offered to do an activity all together , out of the community. He created a role playing table on roll20 about Zelda BOTW. He invited me, NK, NF and WF at first. THe beginigs were akward, nobody was used to rp with vocal and dice at first, but NK, me and NF soon fell for it and we really enjoyed it! It was refreshing and we had a lot of fun! So much that i wanted to share it with BFF and TF. BFF joined first the game, and... slowly started to Took the lead. At first i was... meh... I can live with that, and followed. THen TF joined and everything seemed to go just fine. BFF and i found an activity we finally could enjoy together! (i kept proposing stuff to do together but nothing seemed to appeal her before. Yet it's important to note I tried). After each session, i used to stay late in the night to talk about theories and stuff with NK and later BFF aswell for a year.
Last year, i FINALLY moved in with BF, and i stayed less on the computer since we lived together now and wanted to be here for him, which seems like a normal thing to do. I apologized to NK and BFF for not staying after sessions anymore, and they seemed ok with it. Yet... The more we played and the more BFF, NK and TF acted together, planning everything for the groups and BFF defenitly took the lead. NF, WF and I were left behind, only assigned roles and actions to do for optimisation and were only asked if we agreed to the plans. Of course we did, the plans were goods, but it wasn't the problem. The problem was they made up their plans after sessions when none of us could be here... So we felt left behind. And it was annoying...
As the game kept going, slower because everybody had irl busy lives, there was a dungeon where BFF character left on her own to go in the temple early on her own for plot reason she planned with our GM, BF. We had to save her in the shadow temple and a lot of the plot turned around her.
And to add some more cringe, WF was awfull to the group and ruined an important twist in the story just because he was mad and wanted to quit. He also blamed me quite a lot in the process , being jealous and stuff. There were stuff i didn't like about WF... his logic didn't make always sense, and he was turning around my BF despite prentending otherwise. I wanted to trust him, but i always felt more and more akward. He left and BFF advised me to break our friendship. She already pushed me to cut a toxic friendship by the past, because, to her, when you don't enjoy someone anymore you need to get rid of it. I'm not confortable with this moral. I'm the one to try to fix things and talk about it to see if we can find solutions. I don't like abandonning people, and i don't want to be either. But i listen to her after he blame me again without questioning himself in the process. (i feel guilty for it)
The table kept running, but i was ashamed of all the blames i received from WF, and played miserably after that, because i wanted to work on the flaws he pointed to prove i cared that much and didn't want my friends to feel the same way he did. I ended up disapointing everybody because i didn't have the reactions the expected from me. NK became mad because he took me for responsible for ruining one of his important scene. Actually nobody had the good reaction, but he expected from me more at this time. (it's important to note i tend to attract the blames because i'm the emotionnal friend and tend to complain louder and more often than the others when i see an issue. Because, you know, communication is important. But ended up losing credibility.) NK, finding me deceptive, cringe for mounths about it and rely on BFF more and more, not talking to me as much as he used to.
On top of that, i got involved into an akward story between TF and BFF , and i knew things from both of them who made me unconfrotable because it was obvious it won't work and it will end up with TF being hurt... And i didn't want my friends to hurt eachothers, since they blamed me each time i did hurt them and i cared a lot. But there was nothing i could do...
Meanwhile in game, my character went throught a lot, being almost thanosed out of existance, corrupted by dark magic against her will and losing control over her magic, ending up in the genocide of the mojo kind because her spell got out of control, resulting into breaking her mind. BFF didn't cared and pushed the group following her plans, involving my character doing "funny" stuff as if nothing happened, which pissed me off... I got denied character developpement and coherence just like NK went through... I asked a few time to BF, our GM, to leave the table, but he always refused because he didn't want to play without me and didn't want all his work ruined because of it. Beside, he created this activity to do something with the group, and if i left, it had no reason to be anymore. He asked me to believe things would eventually be better later... I had no choice. So i tried to play as i intended to in the end. During a time off in the game, my character went alone on termina beach to vent a bit... and ended up seeing another genocide (i didn't plan anything, i had no idea what would happen), and broke her arm trying to save a pnj on her own. I warned in pm the GM how BFF will react and i won't like it at ALL! I told him she would try to isolate my character to blame her for going alone and lecture her... And WORD FOR WORD, she did... I said no... And we ended up slapping eachothers. She didn't appreciate me saying no to her and confronting her about the " do what I say, not what I do " on her part, reminding her she did the same in the shadow temple and saw no issue when SHE DID it. BFF and NK slamed the door to me and started to play together how awfull i acted and the group needed BFF for a leader. I had enough and ragequitted.
Ragequit is NOT OK and i got hblamed for it, hurting NK feelings on the process because i yelled and assumed i couldn't trust them and nobody cared out of pain. I apologize again... But i didn't felt any better. I asked again to leave, but BF refused again. So the game kept going with the same problems. I tried to adress it a gentler ways two times... but was again blamed for it and called paranoid.
I considered NK a very closed friend and opened to him about how bad i felt about WF and BFF... How i didn't know what to think anymore. BFF told me in march i had to see a psy because the group wouldn't accept me the way i am anymore and needed to change faster. Because "everybody" had to go easier on me to not trigger me than with anybody else and she won't accept it anymore. That it will ruin my relationship with BF if i don't improve and change. (BF got quite mad when he heard that) , that BFF kept blaming me because i wasn't doing enough... despite me already doing my max, and that i already improved a lot. And that i didn't enjoyed her controling attitude both IRL and in game! And that i didn't want her to hurt my friends. I wanted to understand if it was only on my head or if i wasn't the only one to feel it. I mostly wanted to vent because i couldn't confront her ever... I'd end up with her blaming me and being mad. "it's only in your head! You're paranoid!" And I would have crushed like a rug ... Again...
Small fights ended up occuring more often over stupid stuff, NK and mostly TF taking BFF side, and me getting mad over it, because i was annoyed and tired of all this. Eventually, BFF reached me to the phone to try to talk about it, and i tought we managed to open to eachother and things were clear and ok, finally. I even invited everybody for a week end all together where everybody could reconnect and it was a success. She even encouraged me to leave the game if i didn't felt confortable anymore. I also know BF asked the group if they had problem with me since BFF told me the others had issues with me and so did i. The group didn't seem to have problem and BFF cried because she tought i wanted her out of my life. I didn't want that... She was still important to me.
AND HERE IS WHEN IT ALL EXPLODED!
Can we agree you're supposed to be abble to trust friends to keep confession for themselves and understand that, when hurt, you don't ususally tell things you think?
I was working in germany for an important convention where i was guest of honor. And right before going on stage, BF receive messages from BFF, extremly mad because she was told i called her all sort of nasty stuff such as a control freak, a manipulative person, a slut, and that i was judging her sex life... I say no such things... I tried to contain my anger, but couldn't , it was too much. I confronted NK and TF cause it could ONLY come from them and made the mistake to confront TF because of his feelings for BFF. I betrayed a secret on the urge and when i immediatly realised it, it was too late, even if i apologized immediatly and knew this secret was obvious to the whole group... The both got mad at me for it and i didn't have any answer, ending her being the vilain.
BFF didn't dare speak to me or ask for my version of the facts and blocked me everywhere! I got mad because it wasn't fair, and she used to blame me when i didn't verify the facts in this kind of situation... Again, she was doing the " do what I say, not what I do " BS. I was really mad... And got depressed for weeks, going through guilt, anger, and blaming myself, before accepting the fact i somehow FU and she did aswell and we were probably better off eachothers... NK blamed me, taking me for responsible of all problems, and it was my fault my friendship with BFF ended, and took his distance with me taking side for BFF. The rest of the group stayed neutral.
Later... We found out that it was NK who had reported the exaggerated and distorted facts of my confessions, because he felt that BFF needed to know. Because it was the fair thing to do in his mind. And that i disapointed for ruining his scene, complaining about BFF, and lacking of faith in my friends, hurting them in my madness. He apologize for the sake of it and tried to stay friend with me, yet i told him i was hurt and disapointed because he betrayed my trust in him... We tried hard, but things were akward for mounths...he never got over his griefs toward me, despite being the one to betray secret in the first place, involving the group, and promessing to communicate before doing anything stupid and jumping on conclusions.
He broke friendship with me a few days earlier, because i said i was still akward and apologize for it. A friend told me to relax, that if there was a new problem, everybody would try to fix it like mature people... ANd i replied i had a hard time believing this fact anymore. NK got triggered and it was enough for him to abandon me...
BF is mad at NK because he didn't respect his promesses and betrayed both our trust again and say i'm not guilty here... But i can't help but feel bad...
So... Apparently i FU...
TL;DR I opened to my friends about some stuff that annoyed me about my BFF in hope of help and ended up betrayed and losing everybody, after they played with my mental health. I used to have my best friend for 6 years now, she's a psychology student and used to tell me a lot how to behave and i started to truely think that she knew better. We had a huge fight 3 years ago but got over it, yet if i forgive her, i specified i won't forget, because she truely acted entiltled and hypocrit, treating me like shit, dragging me to the ground back then. But since i missed her back then and she seemed to have learn her lesson, i accepted to befriend her again. Big mistake... I recently invited her to join the DnD style table of my friends, since each time i proposed activities, she wouldn't like it. (she complained a lot we weren't sharing enough stuff together and i agreed but i can't remember her reeally proposing anything either...) But this time she accepted, sinc it was a zelda campaign and we seemed to have fun, and the GM is my boyfriend (he is really skilled at narration)! At the begining, all was ok and we truely had fun, despite one friend ruining the mood because he didn't want to get along, and my bestie being a bit... into leading and optimisation... I let it slide, nobody's perfect. I used to stay late after sessions to chat and make up theories for fun with the group, nothing that can hurt the game. After a year, the campaign is still running and me and GM move finally together, and i can't stay anymore after sessions because i want to focus on my new life style. But bestie and 2 members of the group start to get out of hands, making crazy theories and PLANS when we're not here to agree. She ends up leading everything, even some of GM decisions, and me and another member of the group feel left behind... When i try to adress it, i'm called crazy, paranoiac and jealous. She also flirt with a very "hungry" friend who has a true crush on her, saying she love the attention, and will let him smash, but she doesn't want any romantic evolution. She sys it's ok because she said so to him and he agreed despite the fact she knew he was lying about his feelings, but it's his problem. I'm not ok with it, since it will hurt a friend, but i don't dare telling her she shouldn't have agree knowing what would happen for him... I start to feel very bad and distance myself, ending up losing it, since i truely trust her, and dunno what to think anymore. I want to leave the campaign and bestie says it's probably for the best but GM disagree, so i'm forced to stay. I try to vent with GM and one of our friend... Who reapeat it all to bestie who immediatly tell bestie who block me everywhere without even trying to speak to me! She victimize so much i end up losing 2 friends over it! I suffered of depression for 5 mounths... The campaign got abopt for eveybody, with friends and bestie getting mad at us for wanting to finish it without them, calling it disrespectfull, because rthey were emotionaly invested that much... We agreed to not continue it...so TIFU... EDIT : This bitch wasn't done with us... She truly is crazy... She started running her own campaign and trying to force her other sex "friends" to play together... it ended up as a NO from my friend and she got VERY mad at him for it, insisting again, and getting frustrated. She ends up giving up seeing all her "punitions" and pressions weren't effective. But two years ago, she come to tell GM she took his lore, characters and campaign to continue her herself. When he tried to argue he wasn't ok with that, she said she couldn't do otherwise if she/they wanted a good conclusion... So basically saying she didn't cared and he had nothing to say about it... He felt betrayed, stolen, especially after all her "respect" speech when she insisted we had no right to continue the campaign without hethem... She was direspectfull and GM was MAD. GM never goes mad... And while i felt mad too because she kept hurting my friend, but also GM, my Boyfriend! Yet... is it bad i felt lighter knowing i was right? I regained confidence but i'm very disapointed.
Feeling lost in life.
Ok, so as of writing this I am 18 years old (male) and feeling kind of "lost", I guess. A few years back I moved far away from where I grew up, saying goodbye to all of my old friends. While it bothered me for a while I was still in contact with a few of them via Skype/discord, and of course I made new ones at the school I was attending. It was around a year or so after the move that I was diagnosed with a rare medical illness. I won't get into it here, but it made it impossible to continue school, so I had to drop out. Around that time I was on a lot of different medications and entered a deep depression. It lasted for about two years and I abandoned all of my friends in the process (not just my new school friends but my old online buddies as well).
When I started feeling happier I contacted as many of them as I could, but they had all moved on and had no real interest in catching up. My illness made it hard for me to go outside as much so I struggled to make any friends that way. It is also worth mentioning that I'm a bit slow. I'm not disabled, but I don't have the mental capacity to make quick decisions nor do I have sharp reflexes. It's because of this that I can't drive a car (I've tried many times before but almost crashed every time. I would've if not for my mom being there to help me). Without a car, I can't really travel anywhere so I'm stuck at home.
I live in a community where all of the houses are connected, making me feel trapped. Not to mention there are only busy roads outside of the community so I can't go anywhere. My doctor (who I see every week for infusions and treatment) is restricting me from going anywhere right now due to the pandemic, as I'm especially susceptible to the virus at the moment. I was planning on getting a job when I turned 18, but all of this made it kind of difficult for me. I do take chemo (it's not for cancer) so I already feel like crud as it is. Note that I've already tried going to multiple therapists/psychiatrists and it's never worked out for me.
I tried to make friends online, through chatting sites, discord, online games, etc. However, I have a social communication disorder, so I've never been able to make a single friend in the years that I've tried doing so. Now we're back to the present, where I'm just sitting here feeling horrible, both physically and emotionally. I feel both lost and trapped at the moment, so I decided to finally try using Reddit.
Sorry for the rambling. I wanted to get my feelings across so I kinda just typed without thinking. Either way, thanks for taking the time to read this, even if you don't have any advice for me. I Appreciate it very much.